


The Interview

by nausicaa_of_phaeacia



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, Phil Coulson: Human Desaster, Post Hive, Season/Series 03, not Plant Bell friendly, not Ritz Crackers friendly, the whole fic is an interview
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 17:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6815434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nausicaa_of_phaeacia/pseuds/nausicaa_of_phaeacia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria Hill interviews Coulson for S.H.I.E.L.D.'s internal mission newspaper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Interview

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zauberer_sirin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zauberer_sirin/gifts), [RowboatCop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RowboatCop/gifts), [Black_Panda_Ops](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Black_Panda_Ops/gifts).



> I'd love to do this again.
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH zauberer_sirin, Black_Panda_Ops and RowboatCop. Couldn't have written this without you, seriously. :)  
> ♥ ♥ ♥

# The Internal Post  


* * *

  


## S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Monthly Mission News

 

### ”Special Skillsets” and Coq au Vin

  
During the past few tumultuous months, Director Phil Coulson has displayed a quite rocky mission history, sparking various rumours about his team having gone rogue. We met the busy leader for an informal interview in a small café and attempted to find out the truth (well, at least some of it!) about several recent events that stirred a flood of rumours and diverse accusations of S.H.I.E.L.D.-incompatible affiliation and, yes, treason.

The interview was led by Commander **Maria Hill**. Transcription by **Akela Amador**.

* * *

**MARIA HILL:**  
Director Coulson. During the past few months, you’ve surprised the whole agency with boldly dangerous missions: that makes for a controversial work approach, to say the least. How would you describe your work ethic?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Controversial is not what I would call it, but I concede that it’s probably not the conventional way to lead a government-affiliated organization. I’ve been a part of S.H.I.E.L.D. for most of my life and frankly, I think it’s my at times strategically innovative approach to potentially life-threatening missions that earned me the respect of the late Director Fury. I’d say it’s –

 **MARIA HILL:**  
_(laughs)_  
— It’s your judgement calls and not your monthly average of correctly filled in mission reports that got you here.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(laughs)_  
I guess that’s another way to put it, yeah.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
So tell me, Director. What, would you say, is the most crucial character trait to bring to a S.H.I.E.L.D. career as a rising star?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(waves hand)_ Oh, no. _(smiles)_ I think there’s possibly more than just one vital trait to the job, but I might not be the best example for that. Um, let me see ... Honesty, politeness, loyalty and table manners are going to get you around, my mother would always say — I think that’s the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life. There’s this idea people have that government agencies or government-related organizations consist of a bunch of shady people doing Martial Arts and keeping Ray Ban alive and well, pulling people into their white cleaning vans whenever they please and partnering up with whoever offers to share profit. That’s a quite common misconception which, in my opinion, has impaired many politically and socially important missions, past and present.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Table manners as a form of rehabilitation.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Well, in a way, yes. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
How does that go together with you unorthodox mission tactics? _(conspirative whispering)_ It’s those you’re known for, you know.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Are you referring to anything in particular here? _(chuckles)_

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Well, after recruiting from the Rising Tide, working with alien substances and artefacts, collaborating with Asgardians and the Avengers, integrating humanoid technologies into —

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
You mean my arm?

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Yes, among other things – would you mind explaining how you came to own a piece of such exquisite engineering?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(sighs)_ It’s a long story.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Maybe you could offer us an abridged version? _(smiles audibly)_ Last month’s survey showed that how on earth you came to have your left arm replaced with a metal limb was literally the most frequently asked question among our active employees.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(detaches prosthetic arm)_ Okay, yeah. So basically, I lost an arm when Agent Mackenzie saved my life during the last —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— That would be Former Interim Director Mackenzie?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Exactly. Saving my life required drastic measures, so to speak, and I’m very grateful he didn’t hesitate to, you know, chop off my hand.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
_(laughs shyly)_ I see. Would you care to explain the turn of events that landed you in a situation that required such ... radical actions?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(strict voice)_ That’s classified. _(smirks)_ It’s complicated. It was connected to a case of torture and experiments on humans that caused an oppressed group of people to retaliate —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— Are you talking about Werner Reinhardt?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Uh — yes, exactly, but he’s more commonly known as Daniel Whitehall. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
The HYDRA scientist.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Precisely. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
So you’re saying that his victims planned to take revenge on S.H.I.E.L.D.?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(clears his throat)_ That’s an oversimplification. Let’s just say that we learned a very valuable lesson during the course of the mission, namely that sometimes, the enemy of your enemy ... is also the friend of your friend.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Very cryptic, Director.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(laughs)_ I apologize. It was a very complex and a very confusing combination of events that led us to that point, and many cases we’d been aware of in the past turned out to be interconnected. Hence the secrecy, I guess.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Let me just clarify one more thing about this: Rumour has it that a former member of your team was involved in the conspiracy that caused a civil war of sorts between two S.H.I.E.L.D. splinter groups?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(coughs)_ I’m sorry. I — yes, I guess you could say that. I’m sure it’s common knowledge by now that HYDRA had infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D., up to the highest ranks.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Which led to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s abolition.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Basically, yeah. What happened was that after S.H.I.E.L.D.’s public downfall, two separate groups developed that both tried to eradicate all traces of Nazi infiltration.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
So they were on the same side.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Yes, in theory, but it took some time to clarify matters between the groups. It wasn’t easy to tell back then who was HYDRA and who wasn’t. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Like with your former team member Grant Ward?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(takes a sip of water)_ We knew from pretty early on with that one, thanks to an observant colleague —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
You’re talking about Skye.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Agent Daisy Johnson, yes, her name was Skye back then.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
The only Inhuman member of your core team.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
I ... I guess that’s one way to put it. Agent Johnson has been an invaluable asset to the team ever since her early days with S.H.I.E.L.D., way before her transformation.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Transformation, you say?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Yes, Agent Johnson was transformed as a consequence of coming into contact with an extraterrestrian substance. This process has affected numerous individuals, especially during the past few years, but the history of its occurrance dates back a few centuries, possibly thousands of years, even. These substances cause changes in one’s DNA and allow the individuals affected to develop ... unusual skills.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Agent Johnson has since been known as ‘Quake’ among our employees.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(swallows audibly)_ Well, I guess that’s fitting, in a way, but it’s more than —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— More than just the ability to cause a natural disaster?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(determinedly)_ God, yes. It’s a skillset that needs fine tuning like any other trained skill at S.H.I.E.L.D., a range of abilities that come with the transformation which allow the agent to come up with more spontaneous, more resourceful ways of approaching a potentially threatening situation. Of saving lives! _(chuckles)_

 **MARIA HILL:**  
So, on the whole, you would say that the ‘Inhuman threat’ people are talking about is much less of a threat than it is an asset, maybe also an opportunity?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
You said it! ... I tried to explain that to a bunch of diplomats and they accused me of being the remaining head of HYDRA. _(laughs)_ Occupational hazard.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Even though the actual leader of HYDRA, Gideon Malick, was in the room: the individual responsible for numerous grisly murders and arson-related incidents recently.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
I didn’t know those incidents were classified as arson. _(clears throat)_ You see, that’s not entirely true. Those murders and all related crimes started out as a grand plan orchestrated by Malick, that’s correct, but certain elements of the plan didn’t go as planned —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— Elements such as the ‘invincible’ HYDRA agent Grant Ward?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(loudly)_ That was not Grant Ward. _(calmer)_ It was his body, yes, but it turned out to be manipulated and used by a different party. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Rumour has it that there was mind control involved.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(smiles in a sad way)_ That’s also classified, I’m afraid.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
On the whole, though, the S.H.I.E.L.D. community has labelled you the hero of recent events, averting desasters, eliminating scary threats, saving humanity.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(smiles in a cryptic way)_ The community is wrong, then.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
_(fake disappointed voice)_ So you’re telling me you didn’t save humanity last time?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(chuckles)_ Alas, no, I didn’t. _(lowers his voice)_ That would be Agent Johnson.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
The talented agent with the Inhuman ... skillset saving the world from the threat of an Übermensch orchestrated by HYDRA?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(smiles)_ I like how you phrased that.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Let’s get to a bunch of more personal questions now. Our employees have submitted more than two hundred different questions for this interview, about sixty, seventy of them to be taken seriously —

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Oh boy. _(chuckles)_ Let’s have it.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Don’t worry, I’m only going to ask you five carefully selected questions. Are you ready?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Shoot.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Okay, so here it goes ... Question One: Who is the highest performer on your team? 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
_(shrugs)_ That’s an easy one: Agent Johnson. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Wow, Miss Johnson certainly seems to play an important role in your team. Could you elaborate on that?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
It’s difficult to pinpoint Agent Johnson’s merits, I guess it’s impossible to narrow them down, really. She designed and upgraded all of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s current software and coordinates all S.H.I.E.L.D. data. Recently, she’s also become a lead coordinator for tactical missions, she’s developed a new technique for mission preparation that enabled us to halt an impending threat during one of the arson cases, as you called them. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
So would you say Miss Johnson has taken the former place of Agent Melinda May in terms of strategic coordination?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(loosens tie, laughs)_ That depends. Basically, no, since Agent May remains in the same valued position as before —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
As your second in command.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Yes. _(swallows)_ Daisy, on the other hand has become a team leader of her own, managing and organizing the strategic activities of a small tactical team, consisting of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents with extraordinary skillsets.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Like an Inhuman Alpha team?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(laughs, shifts in chair)_ In a way, yes. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
But you’re still working together as one large team?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Whenever I can, yes. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Okay. Let’s move on to Question Two. It says here: Have you ever mentored a younger agent and played a protective role in their development?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
I don’t deserve to claim I really did, but that was the idea when I recruited Agent Skye back in —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— The agent now known as Daisy Johnson?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Daisy, yes. _(clears throat)_ She progressed so fast that she earned her S.H.I.E.L.D. Level 1 badge faster than I did back in the day. You wouldn’t believe it, she —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— Back when S.H.I.E.L.D. still had levels.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Yes, that’s right.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
How come the level system at S.H.I.E.L.D. was abolished? 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
_(chuckles nervously)_ I got rid of those when I became Director. It’s a little complicated, but we realized that having levels was interfering with communicating strategically necessary information within the team. All agencies work with the need-to-know system, and I get that, because they’re obviously — they’re protecting immensely valuable and therefore also dangerous intel, but once you’re in a position where this system’s going to, um, split your team up into small groups because of the information barriers, according to levels and privileges, that’s just going to show in the results. Teamwork without team member equality ... is still a one man mission.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
_(laughs)_ You sound like a Rising Tide podcast ... Sir.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
I’ll take that as a compliment.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
I’ve got three more submitted questions here, let’s see ... Question Three: Under your watch, S.H.I.E.L.D. has gone from cataloguing and containing ... powered individuals to recruiting and deploying them. Has this transition affected the outcome of your ‘traditional’ work? _(laughs)_ That sounds like a loaded question.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
It’s a rhetorical question, too. Obviously, embracing extraordinary skillsets has proven to be an incredible enrichment to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s scope of strategic protocols and combat technologies. It’s also sparked a whole wave of important research activities on the matter that are hopefully going to help us understand these ... these awesome skills a little better. I mean, moving mountains has become a literal expression. _(laughs)_

 **MARIA HILL:**  
Besides Agent Johnson, you have three more agents with ... special skillsets on your team, is that correct?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Two more agents, yes, and I’m very grateful for all the time, effort and sweat they’ve put into our recent missions. I’m not sure where we’d be without them. But that goes for all the members of the current team —

 **MARIA HILL:**  
— All nine members —

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
— Seven.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
But there were no casualties during the last —

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
— S.H.I.E.L.D. is not for everyone. It’s a little like ballroom dancing: Some people are never going to try, some are going to try and learn, some are going to try and learn but never going to be able to fully master the steps, and some are never going to want to master them.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
And some people are born for dancing.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Some people, yes, but some people don’t know about it until they are accidentally forced to dance.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
_(laughs)_ That sounds like an interesting story.

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
_(sternly)_ Very interesting. _(chuckles)_ But not exactly fitting for this interview.

 **MARIA HILL:**  
I bet it has elegant aspects to it, though. But that brings us to the next question, Question Four: Your team’s base is set up in and around a historical building. How do you like your everyday environment? How does your work affect it?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
That’s a question for pages and pages. Have you ever tried sparring in a room whose walls probably have some sort of hidden UNESCO value? _(laughs)_ I’m joking. But it has its advantages and its disadvantages. We’ve moved most of our more ... adventurous activities underground. And we’ve had to retile. Several times. _(chuckles)_ Long story. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Well, in the wake of recent events, there’s probably another redecoration in order?

 **PHIL COULSON:**  
Absolutely. _(takes a sip of water)_ Life’s hard.

**MARIA HILL:**  
And who gets to choose the tiles? 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
_(chokes on sparkling water, laughs)_ I did, last time. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Now I’m curious. Describe them. What does the Director’s bathroom look like? 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
All bathrooms look the same, actually. I got some Atrium Taupe Ceramic Tiles, you know, the type you would — _(laughs)_ Maria, you look a little confused. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
_(giggles)_ I have no idea what you’re talking about. Sir. But I’m sure the tiles were exquisite. 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
They were. But I’ve been told that my taste in food is better than my taste in interior design. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
Funny you should mention that, because my last question for you today is about food. Question Five says: What does the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. like to eat, and who do you enjoy cooking for? ... Okay, that’s personal. 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
Well, we at S.H.I.E.L.D. need to eat, too, so that’s relevant. _(chuckles)_ I like spending my time cooking, so I try to come up with something completely new every few weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grilled cheese, _(chuckles)_ but I especially enjoy Coq au vin à la Quercynoise ... The red wines they have in the Languedoc are incredible, and nothing else accentuates the meat’s natural elegance like a Château Prieuré des Morgues from — 

**MARIA HILL:**  
_(smiles audibly)_ — You are a real gourmet, Director. Now I wonder who is allowed to share your haute cuisine, that’s the second part of the question. 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
_(after a moment of silence)_ To be completely honest with you, there’s only one person who appreciates whenever I step out of line and cook something out of the ordinary — 

**MARIA HILL:**  
— Tell us, Director: who is it? 

**PHIL COULSON:**  
_(adjust his tie, smiles cautiously)_ That’s classified. 

**MARIA HILL:**  
_(laughs)_ Thank you very much, Director Coulson. I’m convinced this interview has shed some light onto your team’s most recent activities. _(lowers her voice)_ Among other things.  


**PHIL COULSON:**  
_(laughs)_ I’m sure it has. _(shakes hands with Commander Hill)_ Thank you very much. 

**Author's Note:**

> So this didn't turn out to be exactly what I wanted, but I still had SO MUCH FUN. Hope I didn't make Coulson too much ooc.  
> Thanks so much for reading! Please tell me what you think (with the finale near, my shipper heart is very fragile right now) ;)


End file.
